No matter how heavy the memories fall upon my heart, Lord, help me to tell them with heart.
Today I attended my beloved grandpa’s, “my pawpaw”, graveside/funeral service via Facetime and to do it in this way felt unnatural, but to be honest I chose my peace with it today. I mean COVID19 seriously is pulling out the stops amidst this crazy chapter, yet through the moments of separation a love is threaded despite what is taken away and surrendering to the acceptance of it is an everyday task. Being a person who is writing this on tear stained ground, I will first of all voice to any of you grieving in this way that I know it is not the same as being there and I know that your pain runs layers deeper than it should facing it in this manner, yet I also know the power of a resilient heart and applying strength of coping mechanisms to grief’s hand and that is what I wanted to share with you today. Grief has no timeline and it continues onward as we travel the days ahead without our loved one physically present and for how we enter the different stages within it has its place to simply feel all the feels.
With mask securely in place, I entered Kroger’s flower section with a trembling heart and with a tear glazed view, I received the kindness of a white balloon and white lilies and knew that this would connect me to my graveside moment best way I knew how. Throughout this Covid quarantine these phrases have encircled my spirit and in the now I know they have been preparing me all along:
“Grace is here. Hope is here for the taking. Know your roots and stand by them in strength.”
I receive peace when I am anywhere settled by water, so to log into facetime connection I found secluded lakeside spot- even saw a cop who confirmed my position was approved!- and I used my strongest coping mechanism of sentiments shared and I prayed:
Lord, today is not the way I would intend it to be nor is it allowing a surrounding around me in the way that I would choose to grieve- no hugs on a funeral day just seems unreal. I know that the thoughts of being robbed of this moment have the power to own me and to dictate my every move, yet I know that strength lies rooted in me to rise up in this and receive grace and hope for the taking as I find my way to personally grieve. Receive these lilies and this balloon in honor of my pawpaw and in your cloud of witnesses surround this moment with peace for you rise beauty from ashes and in this moment that’s where I will stand. Amen.
We all need different connections when we grieve but amidst COVID19 I knew that in order to accept the reality that I was not standing in physical presence with my family that I had to create the space of memory released with intention.
Balloon: released during gravesite facetime in honor of my pawpaw’s life and the way he loved us all the way into heaven.
Lilies: Laid down on the roots of a favorite tree waterside to represent the family roots shared and the beauty that rises from tear stained ground.
“For there is hope for a tree, when it is cut down, that it will sprout again, and its shoots will not fail. Though its roots grow old in the ground and its stump dies in the dry soil, at the scent of water it will flourish and put forth springs like a plant.” Job 14: 7-9
We may be secluded and apart from social distance, yet we are not alone and we have moments of legacy filling the gaps. Taking time to honor those moments brings healing.
My last moment with my pawpaw was when kids and I took him “facetime fishing” and the memories of that moment was full of laughter and a shared connection that I will treasure always. I hoped for a special connector today during my time of funeral presence lakeside/facetime and right after I released balloon into the sky I turn around to see a fisherman with his pole laid at rest beside flowers I used during graveside. It was as if my pawpaw left it just for me to say, “ I love you too.” Legacy moments are within us and I will forever hold that fishing pole “goodbye” as a tender way of being seen in this hard.
Threaded in love.
Less than 10 people allowed at a graveside moment and not in a way of gathering with loved ones that we have lived our lives experiencing and it is difficult to bear. I understand the anger residing in abiding by Covid19 restrictions as it keeps one from important moments, yet I also realize that in this time choosing my peace is using different ways to thread love between others despite those spaces. I also see that in this space a protection for other lives amidst this pandemic is the reason why I along with others do not stand in the typical way and this is power of strength to withstand this road. I pray that you do not have to endure this type of funeral presence nor be shifted in the way you sit bedside with your loved ones, yet it rises up in my spirit the grief that we are all facing with losing normalcy and life allowances and I see your struggles and I am with you.
For all that is grieving with you and for all the pain that you are enduring in this chapter, I left these for you. May you receive them with peace and with love that you are seen and heard in your plight and that you are not alone.
